Friday, 25 September 2009

If you don't know me by now...

Around 5 or 6 months ago Facebook was infested with an array of 25-point lists. Each user had their own individual slant on it and ranged from people talking about 25 things they'd regretted to 25 things they are proud of in their lives. Some were very entertaining reads and others really said all you needed to know about that particular person. A couple went down the deep and meaningful route and one in particular chose to (and I quote) "Chronicle my 25 Epiphanies". What followed was a list of sanctimonious (and somewhat deluded) dross which and was capped off by one point in particular which read, “Cherish your parents – they gave you life and if they chose to, they can take it away from you.” In hindsight finding out that your parents are trained assassins is probably a bit of an eye-opener.

Below I have decided to give you 25 things you may or may not know about me- some things I haven't told a lot of people and one thing I haven't told anybody. Enjoy...

1) I am afraid of heights, to the extent that I genuinely get scared when I see clips on TV of steep drops or elevated, panoramic views. It’s one of the reasons that The Dark Knight can never be one of my favourite films after I saw it at the IMAX (the bit where he jumps off the top of the sky-scraper nearly made me scream the girliest of all screams).

2) I love coffee. Usually I don’t have breakfast; all I need is two cups of coffee. Its best form is the Vanilla Cappuccino and for the last 10 years it has been my favourite drink (regardless of how twat-ish it sounds when ordering it).

3) Whenever I find a song I like, I have it on repeat. As a result those around me start to hate it. This is worsened by the fact that I then whistle said song for the next month or so. It’s a wonder how I still have any friends.

4) I've never been in a fight. The closest I've come to a full blown conflict is when a friend of mine decided to grope a man who was standing behind me at a cash point. His mate, having seen his friend being caressed by a 4ft 9 half Yemenese/half Sri Lankan man decided to punch me, an innocent bystander, in the face. Despite the shock of the sudden attack I kept my cool and diffused the situation. One could only imagine what would have unfolded had I not had such a compressible nose.

5) I find it very hard NOT to make jokes about things, regardless of how bad they are. Like right now, I’m thinking of a punch-line for the end of this point. It will provide a slant on the story I concocted in previous sentences and create a false ambience that will throw you, the reader, off course ...............................penis.

6) I am obsessed with New York - not in the way that those infatuated with Seinfeld, Friends or Sex in the City obsess about indulging in the day-to-day antics of the character they feel they most resemble (FYI George, Chandler and Charlotte) but it’s a city that genuinely excites me. It’s a personal travesty that I have yet to go there and this is something I am looking to rectify in the next year or so.

7) I can’t stand Tamil rude-boys. Where to begin...
(a) The struggles your parents went through to get into this country and thus allow you to grow up in a country that values democracy does not give you an excuse to walk about like you’ve managed to escape the Projects with your life intact. For the love of God 40% of the time you spend outside of school is spent at some form of tuition (be it academical or musical).
(b) FUBU, Evisu hats and do-rags – just some of the things you probably shouldn’t wear to a temple (or ever).
(c) Shaving the sides of your head and leaving the top untouched does not constitute a haircut.

8) Give me all the time in the world and I will waste it without a moment’s hesitation.

9) Give me all the cheesecake in the world and I will eat it without a moment’s hesitation.

10) When I was eleven I went on a 10 day skiing trip which ended after 3 days when I badly injured my knee. When I was helped back to the chalet, my trousers were removed and the gash was so bad I could actually see my knee cap. If you ask, I will show you the scar; if you don’t then I will casually slip it into the conversation and show you anyway. If you refuse to talk to me about it then I will start wearing short-shorts.

11) As an extension of point 5), I cannot help making stupid remarks or doing stupid things at inopportune moments. Usually this involves members of the opposite sex and can range from putting my foot in my mouth to pulling out the inappropriate high-five.

12) I once taught one of the younger members of my family, who had recently just started speaking, to say “ass-candle”. To this day it is one of the funniest/greatest things I have ever witnessed and regardless of how my life pans out I can’t see it leaving the Top 3.

13) I used to have a love for Eva Longoria (no, not Longoria-Parker). Currently her vacated thrown is being shared by Sophia Bush and Kristen Bell and I’ll be damned if another 6ft 2’ French, Black, millionaire Basketball player steals them from me (though I can’t say I’d really blame them).

14) Going to Edinburgh was probably one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life so far. The people, the places, the experiences are things I would not change for the world and what I’ve gained from that place is invaluable. Nipple-chaffingly cold though...

15) Before going to University I was totally unaware of the North-South Divide. Having spent time around Northerners and thus becoming very close with them I have to say that I am so glad that I’m back in London... Banter.

16) I cried when ET went home.

17) When I was 5 I wanted to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle when I grew up. At the age of 9, having finally accepted the scientific impossibility of the matter, I settled for Power Ranger.

18) ‘Horrible Histories’ taught me more about Ancient Rome than any tweed wearing, Guille from Street Fighter look-a-like teacher ever could.

19) When I joined my Primary school my parents decided it would be a good idea for me to learn the violin. I toiled away for 4 years only to reach the heights of Grade 1. At first I was excited by it but after a couple of months it became a chore; I stopped practising and just left my violin at school, only moving it from my locker when I actually had a lesson. One time I went to get my violin for another tedious lesson. I opened up and to my ‘despair’ I found it broken in two. The headmaster was alerted to this, partly because the only explanation was an act of mindless vandalism. In assembly, with the entire school present, the headmaster condemned the breaking of my violin and vowed that the perpetrator would be severely punished. It was at that point that I realised only a couple of days prior to my lesson, I had dropped my violin case down a flight of stairs.

20) I taught my brother the F-word. It was a morning before school and I don’t know why I did it but part of me thinks I shouldered the responsibility of educating him on all things crass. I made him repeat it after me and the odd thing was that I really didn’t find it that amusing. My parents caught me and, aside from a clip round the ear, I had to write out the whole of one of my ‘Peter and Jane’ books. I fucking hate Peter and Jane.

21) I am one of the few people to see the film “Head of State” with Chris Rock and Bernie Mac. Aside from my brother, the other person is one Rajan Vig, whom I lent the DVD to and has yet to return it. This resulted in me buying another copy. I account for 40% of the film’s revenue.

22) It took me 6 years to learn how to drive. In that time I failed my Theory 3 times and my Practical twice (including once on my birthday).

23) I am addicted to YouTube. That shouldn’t be news to anyone but it’s not about the videos it’s all about the comments. If you ever want to stay abreast of the latest profanities, go to YouTube, type in Soulja Boy, pick a video and scroll straight to the comments. An insult-ridden goldmine...

24) Every time I’m reminded of the demise of Woolworths I cry a little inside. Woolworths was where I bought my first Ghostbusters figure, where I bought my first water-gun and where I lost my parents for the first time. Whilst the shop may now be a thing of the past, the memories are still strong.

25) During my last couple of weeks at Bunny Park Nursery (Ealing) one of the teachers told us a story about a couple of animals who were friends in the wild (animals who would clearly never converse outside of a fable). The moral of the story, essentially, was that we should always lend a helping hand to each other. At the end of the week there would be a prize for the kid who was the most helpful. Over the course of the next few days I shared chocolates with my friends, cleaned up the play-area when it wasn’t my turn and was always on hand to pick up Zoe (a 2 year old girl who had just joined the nursery) whenever she fell or stumbled. By the end of the week I had done more than enough to win said prize. The truth of the matter is, I found the chocolates in the nursery foyer (they were a present for the Dinner Lady’s birthday), I took credit for the cleaning because the kid who actually did it had trouble speaking (he was autistic) and the reason I was on hand to help Zoe up was because I was the one who was constantly tripping her up. I can’t tell you how good it feels to finally get this off my chest.


Kiuqsen said...

You fail to add the DVD copy of 'Head of State' came off the back of a Tamil lorry. Me, defending the rights of Bernie Mac and Chris Rock, decided to keep hold of the copy so that you would end up purchasing an original copy. I feel it was a valiant move on my part and as a result I ended up with a broken DVD player. The decisions I make for the benefit of mankind...

James said...

I was going to comment on Londoners having better banter than northerners, however, i realised that with me, merman, clarkey and ryan williams as quick exceptions i was going to destroy my argument!